Tuesday,February 11, 2020 7:00 a.m.
This is day one of my Journal and I am basically reviewing where I am right now and what is in my life and what I feel is lacking. In this Journal I am going to record my thoughts...thoughts of how it is and thoughts and plans as how I would like my life to be.
This is my attempt to fill my days with visions of what is left of my life. At the ripe old age of 88 my desires are most likely to never be fulfilled but I am managing to keep them alive.
Here we go...
Up at 5:00, trip to the bathroom, then to the closet for some fresh clothes. Grey Baby is on his table waiting for some fresh food and a chance to get on my lap.
Got dressed, played a couple different games of solitaire and got my daily supplements together to take with me to the living room where my computer is. I eat most of my meals sitting at the computer and like to take my supplements as I eat. I have an electric teakettle that I keep filled all day so I can quickly heat water for more coffee or a cup of tea. I have a cup warmer on my desk which keeps my coffee hot for me.
I have three dogs...Jack, the dog the neighbors gave us when they moved; Princess, my son's girlfriend's ankle/leg biting Chihuahua and Shasta, a BeagleBull which we bought from a neighbor who was abusing him.
I have one cat, Grey Baby, that was a rescue kitty my son gave me for Christmas a few years ago. I am wishing for another kitty so Grey Baby has company during the day and so I have one who snuggles around my chin at night and purrs in my ear.
I keep visualizing a computer set up for my bedroom...the mom's room...so I can get on it when I get up in the morning or during the night when I wake up and can't go back to sleep. My computer now sits in the living room which is fine except I am limited to using it in the mornings as my son sleeps on the couch. He gave up his bedroom to his girlfriend when she didn't have a place to stay so his bed now is the couch in the living room. Her 21 year old son has a makeshift bed in our storeroom. He lost his job so he is here most of the time. Her 20 year old son sleeps in his car in our driveway, uses our bathroom, laundry facilities and once in awhile our fridge. He works as a delivery person but lost his home.
I sit here quietly at the computer until son wakes up. He works three nights and 2 days every week. He has Monday and Tuesday off. Every other Monday we take a little trip to make a car payment, grab a Starbucks and grocery shop. Big shopping is done after my SS check comes in the first of the month.
I live too far away from the rest of my family for them to have the time to come visit me or help me do some things I can't manage to do alone. Steven, the son I live with, sleeps days so has little time to help me with things.
I have problems with my balance but get around very well with my rollator. I am waiting for oldest son to come up and figure out something that I can put my rollator in to protect it from the weather. I can't get it up and down the porch steps so have been basically housebound for many months now. Body is being affected by the lack of my daily walking routine.
I visualize being able to get out in my yard, clean up the mess left by family as they sat around the fireplace. Chairs need to be put back in place, table cleaned off and fireplace cleaned. Want to get little tables set up to put plants on by some of the chairs.
Yard needs raking badly. The boy using our store room made a deal to rake the yard once a month and to daily take trash bags out to our large trash container. We have a heavy trash pickup the 3rd Friday of each month. He was supposed to have raked the yard and had the leaf bags out for them to pick up. He hasn't raked the yard in probably 6 months now. He does manage the trash most of the time. He even does the dishes once in awhile and he will do anything I ask him to...except keep the yard clean.
So...I am visualizing a home on two or three acres, fenced with a small barn. I will have a greenhouse that I can work in and want to experiment a bit with hydroponic growing as well as regular, in the dirt veggie and fruit growing.
My yard will have some form of a gazebo for us to use for coffee, outdoor eating, star gazing and day dreaming.
My house will have one room dedicated to electronic gear. A private computer for each person and a big screen on the wall to view the tele on.
My barn will be open to all sorts of animals. Cats, of course, maybe a pet pig and a goat or two. A couple geese and some chickens. A pony would be nice. Thinking I may need at least 5 acres and maybe more with a 10ft cyclone fence all the way around. That will keep my animals in and others out...other animals and people...lol
This, of course, would require mucho dinero but it costs nothing in my dreams. I can sit in shade, watch the animals play, listen to my 40s and 50s music and sip on my coffee.
It is 9:00 now and time to get some breakfast. To be continued...
1:15 p.m.
Have had my lunch, whipped up a salad which should last through tomorrow.
My thoughts have been full of Rascal...the little kitty I got when Pywacket died. I gave him away and have regretted it ever since. He had such a sweet little face. I am going to get another little kid as soon as I can. I need to feel being needed and looked up to for being fed and loved by a little guy. Jack wants to kill kitties, not sure about Shasta but I think he would too. Princess is o.k. with kitties. There are moments when I wish I didn't have any dogs. These are the first dogs I have had that were dangerous to kitties. All my other dogs have been great with them.
My life, at times, sucks. I keep trying to figure out how to make a move without causing get upset and problems.
Going to watch some tele now. Maybe I can get involved in a movie and forget all this stuff that is heavy on my mind today.
Friday, February 14, 2020 6:55 a.m.
Had very strange dreams last night. I think they were because I was thinking about a new Tower and wondering what kind of memory and things to look for. Richard was in the dream...some very young child...an unfamiliar house and there was another woman involved somehow.
My friend, Wayne Blackburn, passed away Thursday morning at 2:30 a.m. in Brownsville. Jody called to tell me. We talked a couple times yesterday and he promised to stay in touch. I posted on Face Book so all those who knew Wayne back in the 80s would know he had passed. Not many of us left.
Tuesday night I dreamed that Debbie gave me a puppy. Adorable little, rolly polly one. It was a strange dream because I can't imagine Debbie gifting me anything like a puppy.
Today is Valentine's Day. Staying off Face Book for today and maybe tomorrow. Can't bear to see all the horrible things done to animals around the world. I cannot belong on this planet and be part of a species that does such things. No love, no compassion, no common sense, no empathy...no system that values all life. Too much for me to handle.
I am thinking about how to get all my pictures off Face Book so I can deactivate. Not sure I want to close my account because it is my only contact with people and what is happening around them and me.
I worry a lot about Steven and his health. I am distressed, all the time, about the mess in my house. A young man sleeping on the floor in our store room who is the 21 year old son of a woman who now sleeps in Steven's bed and he sleeps on the couch in the living room. The hallway is full of her boxes and things, the bedroom has so many boxes and crates full of her things Steven can't get to the armoire where he keeps his clothes so his clothes are stacked on the kitchen table and his shirts are hung on a pole over the washer and dryer. Now there is another young man, a 20 year old son of the woman, who parks in our driveway and sleeps in his car. He uses our bathroom, refrigerator, washer and dryer and many times comes in the house at night and smokes pot with the woman and the 21 year old. The smoke chokes me up so I retire to the mom's room.
I received some suggestions from friends on Face Book about where to shop for a tower for my bedroom so am going to do some research on that today. If I can get a tower then I can go online anytime and not wake Steven or the dogs up. Since he works most nights he doesn't get to bed until 2:30 or 3:00 and, if undisturbed,will get a decent 8 hours of sleep. The woman works and she is up about 8:30 or sometimes 90. She comes to the kitchen, makes her coffee, fusses in the freezer and fridge...basically wakes him up every morning. After she leaves he goes back to sleep and manages to get a few more hours of sleep before going to work.
I am trying to maintain a vegan...plant based diet...but it is hard because I can only shop on the 3rd of the month and then maybe a little bit mid-month. Money is very limited.
I am realizing my hopes and dreams are just that...hopes and dreams...and I am probably going to live the rest of my life in this trailer. My address is 14915 #30. A 2 street and a 3 house. My zip code is 77372. A 26/8 zipcode. Mixed energy.
Planning on getting a kitten to keep Grey Baby...and me...company in the mom's room. Would like a much smaller desk for more room and need to get the table that I feed and water Grey Baby on out of the room. Really wish I could get rid of the huge tub in my bathroom. Have never used it and never will. Not able to get up or down in it. Haven't used the shower in a couple months. It is small and I have to use a step stool to get up into it. Wishing for a walk-in tub and shower but no way for that as long as we are in this trailer.
Going to go now back to the mom's room and get it picked up and in order. Some papers to go through, Grey Baby to feed and litter box to clean. Also going to start getting all the stray pictures together and into one binder so I don't lose them.
Signing off for the moment...7:33 a.m.
